


Condition of Love

by EnchantingGrace



Series: Cold War [1]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: F/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-09
Updated: 2017-08-09
Packaged: 2018-12-13 09:25:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11756874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EnchantingGrace/pseuds/EnchantingGrace
Summary: Lovesick, Toris's passion for Natalie is precious. He is heartbroken from her mixed-signals, yet knowing this, she turns him away. Toris's love for Natalie does not shatter, even in his most vulnerable time of need. Spin-off to Breaking Point.





	Condition of Love

Title: Condition of Love Summary: Toris comes to a pain realization - Natalie will never be his.  
Coupling: Natalie/Russia; Toris/Natalie Disclaimer: If I owned it, some of the canon couples would be different. The quotes belong to their respective authors.  
Setting Note: Takes place as a sub-plot to Breaking Point.  
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A mighty pain to love it is,  
And 'tis a pain that pain to miss;  
But of all pains, the greatest pain It is to love, but love in vain.  
\- Abraham Cowley -  
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
"Do you think Ivan is doing alright?"

"He is. He has to be."

If someone had told him a year ago that he would be sitting outside an Asylum for his former caretaker, who treated him and his subordinates poorly, and wondering alongside his crush's brother about said brother's condition, Toris probably would have believed them. But what he would have never expected, was to be sitting with his former caretaker's sister in an asylum's waiting-room, passed out in relief and fatigue, praying to Dievas, that Ivan would recover, and the former Soviet States would be stable.  
Although, he was pretty sure that he would be stabbed by Ivan's sister for even mentioning his conflicted feelings.

And never would he have expected to be leaned against a cold, dusted-ridden bench, and sitting next to Natalia, of all people. It wasn't that the idea of sitting beside the intimidating Slavic was so outrageous (because Dievas knew Toris didn't mind now), but because even in his search to win her affections, she had barely noticed him. To him, she had just been a futile crush for an oppurtunity of combatting loneliness and need, annoying the stoic Belorussian girl who got in his way of leaving her older brother's grasp.

He had acknowledged her as love interest since their early childhood, but she had injured him multiple times, or just ignored his existence altogether. It wasn't until the Soivet Union fell, that she finally realized her brother's lack of interest in her: He was a nation going through psychlogical battles and was unable to tend to her, and she was a broken-hearted girl who needed comfort from the flooding dams of emotions that pored out from her.

But he had no idea why she had actually accepted his caring attitude and sympathetic expressions of love, when she was so adamant to hate him with a passion for "unrequited exchanges for love" and "divided affections for brother's love."

He wanted to say that it was because of her brother's breakdown, that she was exhibiting these uncharacteristic actions that were considered "off" for the already strange, Belorussian.

But as he was consumed by these indescribable thoughts, he lets a memory overtake the already bleak atmosphere between the two emotionally distressed, Eastern Europeans.

Toris looked at the bottle of wine in one hand and the pills in the others. This was it. He started round his bedroom, the sunlight streaming in made it look friendlier than he'd seen it for a long time. Toris smiled, a perfect day to end it all.

Estonia and Latvia were safely off to the Parade less than an hour ago, they wouldn't be due home until at least this afternoon. That gave him almost the whole of the day to get it over and done with. Toris sighed and looked at the letter for them on his dresser, one for each of his friend.

He waited leaving them like this, but he'd stocked up the fridge and freezer for at least a week and he knew Estonia was a smart man and capable of caring for the young Latvia. He was his own nation now. And Latvia was a good, young nation too, just like Estonia. Though they were not related, The Baltic States were as close as brothers. With a sad smile, he knew that Estonia and Latvia would be fine.

Toris smiled as his eyes rested on a photo of the family, the last one they'd ever had together. Just taken a few months before the fall of the Soviet Union, Toris admired the small, dusty creases of the Polaroid. He knew that the other former members of the Union would be better off without him. Heck, even the state that the newly-formed Russian Government was in, he knew that it paled in comparison to the economic hardships the newly-released states were having difficulty to adapt to. Despite this, the newly made nations, were progressing slowly. However, there were a few nations that seemed to slow down, rather than advance.

Toris looked again at the bottles in his hands and sat down purposely on the bed, dressed in his best clothes, satisfied that he was ready. Shaking out the contents of the pill bottle onto the coverlet, there were more than he'd thought there had been. Good.

He picked up the first two, "there goes it," he muttered. He felt his voice waiver as he bit his lip. He ignored it as he shoved the pills into his mouth and swallowed them with a swig of the alcohol.

Then he did the same again. And again. And again. Pretty soon he'd finished what he set out to do. He stared at the place of the blanket, where his little white friends had been, had they really gone so soon? Apparently, the bottle of wine was doing it's job.  
He stared at his hand sullenly, convinced it was doubling right in front of him.

Who would have thought it would have gone to his head so quick? Not that he'd ever really drank in his entire life...

Pulling back the covers on the bed, he crawled into the warm nest comfortably and rested his head on the pillows, ready to take a nap. Not that he planned to wake up afterwards; after all, who really wanted him there at all?

The other Baltics? No they one another, plus the support of the United Nations.

The other former Soviet States? No, besides only a select few, he didn't really have much relations with them.

He couldn't think of anyone else- his head was fuzzy already from the warmth of the bed and the alcohol. He smiled, he was finally doing something he wanted and it was about to go perfectly. He couldn't really tell how much time was passing, but he was about to drop off when-

"Toris?"

Toris's heavy eyes fluttered open and he stared at the door. He couldn't really see straight any more and he was so tired. A figure in the doorway seemed oddly familiar...Blond, straight hair, a blue-maiden's cloth, ordained in white lace. They seemed shocked...and a little transparent, but was that his eyes playing tricks on him? As he stared, they became more focused. 'Definitely tricks,' he decided.

"Go away" he mumbled, and forced himself to turn over, feeling his knee knocking the wine bottle to the floor and hearing a faint smash. It sounded so very far away. He really didn't want to seem her.

"W-what have you done?" she sounded worried.

Fat chance, Toris groaned in his head, why didn't she just let him go to sleep? It would be much easier for the both of them.

"Toris?"

"Go away Natalie."

Natalie. How could this be Natalie? She had left. Parted. Done and Dusted. As if he cared...yet something was tingling in the back of his head to say that was he was thinking was wrong. Natalie had left, and yet she was standing over him.

"W-what have you done, oh god Toris, what have you done?" she sounded like she was getting anxious...he's never heard her like that before...

He felt someone pat his cheek and he pulled away- he couldn't hear properly anymore either. He felt his cheeks lift in a smile, as he finally felt his consciousness falling away.

In a vague way, he could make out someone yelling at him and felt some sort of sensation on his cheeks, but that didn't matter anymore. It was just him and his bed for once. Nothing more.

One shout. And that was it.

"God damn it idiot! If you don't throw that junk up right now, I'll stab your stomach out for good!"

Toris retched, as fingers reached down his throat. He couldn't see a thing and all he heard was someone screeching at him. He kicked out and felt someone grab his legs and keep them still, as the fingers didn't relent on their seeming journey to his gut. Only this voice was screaming bloody murder at him.

He felt his body protest violently at the invader and the fingers were brought out in time, as he gagged. Half thrown against a cold rim of what he assumed was a bath, Toris threw up violently, nausea and pain overcoming his drowsiness..

Who woke him up? He just wanted to sleep...

Falling back down again after being held up by the violence of his vomiting, he gratefully admitted to the wonderful slumber, than began to crawl back to his peaceful dreams.

"Oh no you don't!"

He was roughly hauled up again, yelling his protest through his burning throat. He just wanted to sleep. Forcefully, hands once again pried his mouth open and again, the fingers were applied to his throat. His hand flew around to wave them off, but the icily, cold hand gripped tightly around his waist, as he was tossed to the bathroom. Gripping him again, now both hands held his stomach as he spilled his stomach contents out into the tub.

Toris felt awful, and the ton of bricks he felt resting on his eyelids, didn't help. Why couldn't he just sleep? It was what he wanted!

"Wanna sleep..." he heard himself protest.

Was that him? Was that his voice?

"Go to sleep now, and I WILL stab you! Now, tell me how much more you took!"

Toris felt himself being slumped against the bathtub and, with tremendous will power, brought his lead-weight eyes to focus of the insides he'd tossed up, and onto the white perfection of a mirror, that contrasted so differently, with his tub.

His head was agony-it hurt so badly. Again, Toris tried to focus but couldn't. Letting out a strangled groan, he fell backwards on to his attacker.

The angry voice yelled again, this time shouting a "Was that it god damn it? And if it wasn't, you had better well get the rest of it up too, idiot!"

Toris felt no need for fingers this time as, on it's own accord, after hearing what the voice commanded, allowed his stomach to free itself of its invaders, as he was propped up painfully again, onto a closed toiler lid. Then, it at that moment, that Toris knew that his fate was in the hands of his supposed attacker.

And then the hands were gentler. Pulling him back firmly, but less painfully, into a gruff embrace, the person wiped around his mouth with a wet towel or some cloth, as he spat and coughed groggily.

"There," the voice said lowly, as he gasped for air through what he thought were lead weights on his lungs "That wasn't so bad now was it?"

Toris stirred from a light sleep, and wished he hadn't. He obviously wasn't in the afterlife, otherwise his head wouldn't be hurting so much right now. He layed still and tried to asses the damage.

Not too bad, considering, his head was agony, his ears were roaring slightly, his throat was raw, and his stomach felt awful. That wasn't counting the pains he felt in his arms or neck.

Who had stopped him? He could hardly remember anything at all...

Toris groaned and opened his eyes slowly, letting them adjust to the light as he looked up at the ceiling. It was definitely his ceiling; how could he mistake it when he'd looked up at it so many times? He raised his off the pillow a little to look around his room and instantly regretted it. Laying back down quickly, he rested it as he contemplated what he had seen.

"I wouldn't try to move just yet, that'll happen every time."

Toris's heart-rate quickened: Of all the people to rescue him, why was it her?

Belarus stared impassively and impolitely at him, as he turned to look at her without moving his head from it's spot too far. He eyed her cautiously, so it had been her. Strange, he didn't think she'd ever help him when she seemed to hate him so much.

"Why are you here?" He croaked through his raw throat, ignoring the pain it seemed to cause.

Belarus closed her eyes again, before tossing something onto the bed. The pill bottle.

"Let's just say Big brother wanted to check on his "favorite person." So, I decided to pay them a little visit." she growled, folding her arms.

Toris stared at the white container and then looked back at the ceiling "But...why didn't you just let me do it?"

Belarus 'humphed' and spat out, "Because you have a nation to look after, and your citizens, they would have been like little lambs without you. Plus, your governments would have authorized my country to take them in, causing me to have an unstable population to manage. No, thank you."  
Toris bit his lip. There was a length of silence in the room, broken only by Toris's breathing and the brief, annoyed grunts Belarus gave off as she stared around the bedroom he had shared with Natalie and the other States for so long.

"Why'd you do it Toris?"

He jumped and stared at her, knowing exactly what she meant. He looked away quickly.

"Tell me right now and maybe I'll forget you owe me a new set of clothes"

Nothing.

"Toris, she said slowly and menacingly.

"What?" he asked innocently

Belarus snarled and Toris hid his eyes. She obviously wasn't going to leave before he told her at least one reason. 'It doesn't have to be the truth', he thought.

"I was just having a little wine by myself before taking a nap, and lost track of what I was doing", he gritted his teeth.

His companion tapped her foot on the floor impatiently. Not bothering to voice her disgust over such an obvious false, lie.

He couldn't hide it, could he? Not anymore. He needed to get it off his chest at least...at least to the one who was least likely to tell anyone of the 'weakness' he was showing.

And he was weak.

Toris said quietly, "I just wanted it to end."

"And leave the other Baltics? How unlike you."

"They don't need me, Latvia sees Estonia as his parent anyway". Toris felt sad, very sad. It was as if surviving, had uncorked something that she'd been hiding. Such a terrible loneliness. Belarus said nothing, her eyes were closed again, listening, waiting for him to continue.

"I...I felt so...desperate, you know?" He didn't think he did, but he needed some sort of line tossed between them to make her understand. "I'm just so lonely."

"That should be nothing". Belarus said lowly

"But it is!" Toris propped himself on his arms, regretted it, and laid back down. "It is."  
It wasn't working. His eyes began to blur, as his bottled up fears and emotions began to make themselves known.

How weak.

"It is: My population is decreasing. I have the highest suicide rate in the world. The Crusaders were the first conquerors of my country, which at the time was the largest pagan European nation. Foreign occupation incited a dynamic quest for solidarity and the need for Lithuanians to embrace a culture of their own. I was first subjected to the Crusaders, then under Polish dominion in the 12th century when I was forced to accept Catholicism, and finally under the Soviets. It wasn t until 1991 when I finally gained my independence."

He noticed Belarus's expression and winced; Even with her cold exterior, he knew she had suffered similar fates under Soviet's Union's Government. He breathed a little, before continuing on his laments.

"My people were forbidden to read and write in their national language, and were punished if we sought after it. From 1941-1944, up to 250,000 Jews (Litvaks),were all either killed by Nazi Germany, or they emigrated. Catholicism was also very important to the Lithuanian anti-communist resistance under the Soviet Union, and some Catholic priests risked their lives to become leaders in these movements."

Again he paused, this time to take in Belarus's actions. She had grabbed a piece of paper and was seemingly documenting his words down. 'For what', he thought. A realization hit him- she must have been recording the abuses violated by the former Regime. He grinned unbeknownst to him, temporarily relieving himself on his tears, and faltered slightly when he saw Belarus's annoyed face shift into disgust.

"From 1945 to 1953, the populace was subjected to the wrath of murderous madman, Joseph Stalin. Many thousands were deported to Siberia, including women and small children and intellectuals. Many fled, seeking asylum elsewhere, and countless others were murdered in a bloody genocide campaign. Protecting culture as if it were a precious heirloom became a form of quiet resistance."

With tears now slowing down his face, he concluded. "Lithuanians...I, have sought recognition from the rest of the world, having paid a terrible toll in loss of life at the hands of foreign nations." He took a breath. "And it was 'nothing', as you say it was. It was 'nothing' when he fell."

Belarus's eyebrow twitched, a motion that seemed to indicate that she was vaguely interested now after the whole thing was over. She didn't make any other movement or response, and was just sitting in the chair, rocklike.

"There was nothing less. Yes, I had support from the United Nations, but what of the mental troubles my people suffered?" Toris responded.

"After he fell, it was just me on my own. I didn't have any much assistance from the other States. My country was basically on its own. It didn't really sink in for a while that Soviet Union finally fell. I couldn't even believe it myself. But I was stuck in the middle of nowhere, unsure if I would even make it as a nation."

He paused, thinking it over in his mind. "And even when I did see them again, they weren't faring well themselves." He sniffed. "And then when I finally gained my status as a nation, I find myself still in his clutch. When I tried to work things out with him, he just ignored me!"

Toris lied on the bed and looked up at the familiar ceiling again. "It was horrible. In those days, only depression seemed as a consolation..."

"When are you going to start telling me why you had attempted to kill yourself, Baltic?" Belarus snapped

Toris bolted upright, wished he hadn't, and laid back down with a sigh. "If you don't want to hear..."

"Just get on with it."

"Fine", Toris snapped, the anger that had popped its head up eagerly, putting a snap to his tirade that was more familiar to his normal self.

"Anyway," he continued. It didn't hit me until... after my shifting government. It didn't hit me that I was in a futile effort to conceal what had been going on fro years." He gulped as a single line of tears streamed down his cheeks.

He didn't notice, but now Belarus was watching his carefully, though still as stoic as ever.

"What did you realize?"

"Everyone is a prisoner of his own self; you can not eliminate your past hardships, just recognize them."

There was a broad silence as the words hung in the room eerily. Belarus said nothing, only crossed her arms.

"Foolishness", she came out with finality, holding her nose up and staring intently at him. "Baltic, how dare you say such an absurd statement!

Toris coughed and then half choked. "It is just a time for the right season to appear."

"And?"

Toris balled his fists in the cover and pulled himself up painfully, "Do you know how it feels to be a cook? A servant for washing and cleaning? Someone who's just a scapegoat to blame all your problems on?" He hissed. He didn't care he was crying openly to his companion now. Even if she did think he was weak, this was the first time he'd been able to ever tell anyone. And since he knew Belarus was the last person to be a tattle tale, he just kept going.

"So your feelings for the matter did not change with this realization?" Belarus inquired, sounding as if she was commenting on nothing more than a piece of dirt.

Toris smiled sadly. "If they could, then they would. It's impossible to ever hate the ugliness of life, because it's such a rapid occurrence that we are unable to change. Like people's hearts."

Another silence stretched between them.

"That..." Belarus paused, seemingly as if she was wondering whether to share something with him or not. "That you even feel an ounce of empathy for the struggles of life, is probably more powerful than the evilness in this world. She said tersely, standing up.

"W-what?" Toris asked.

Belarus stared at him thoughtfully and then said with a final bout of wisdom: "Is it not an uncommon appearance to see people die? Within the last century, millions have died. And even before, unmeasurable numbers that we are unable to record. Why is it that death is celebrated as unfortunate, but life, one that can be easily be done away with in seconds, embraced so tightly?'' Belarus pondered. ''Life and death- interchanging variables in what creation calls "life", happens at a constant rate, that is not merciful to humans and nations alike.''

''Everyone knows that seeing a person die is scary and life changing and scarring, but seeing millions die by a hailstorm of inhumane treatments perpetuated by our government, while you are all alone without anyone to contact and being so shocked that you can't even scream, is absolutely mind numbing.'' Belarus mumbled to him.

''Yes. particularly interesting to him are those who had a fairly interesting life. Not determined by their courage, personality, or high self-achievement, Death finds a way to make Creation's life interesting.''

Wondering for quite some time, Toris dries his tears and accepts this statement. ''Retellings of these stories,'' he said, are made to prove to myself that you, and your existence, neither human or nation, are worth it. In other words, he looks for hope in the gathering, reading, and telling of stories. This quest for meaning seems like a very human thing indeed.''

''But you are not human,'' the female said to him. ''You are a nation with responsibilities, that make you a slave to the very humans you are chosen to represent. If I gave you my opinion on these humans, I will tell you that I'm haunted by them.''

Toris nodded, finally understanding the complex nation. Even as a nation, the most painful part of our job is seeing the survivors, the leftovers that you couldn't save. Like a jigsaw puzzle of realization, despair, and surprise, you could argue that even with the many differences that separated humans and nations, with their complicated emotions an passions, we still meet Death in the end.

In a way, we're all united with Death, and he's the thing that unites all of us. He's part of what makes us essentially human, and forget about the horrors of this life. ''We even knew them all by name; every last one of them. With Death, it is not shocking to him. Just like humans and nations alike, we are all subjected to His wrath.'' She lamented a final time, but with a slight twinge of pity in her voice.

Toris pondered in thought of the wise words said by the Cold Nation.

Belarus turned and made for the door. Toris stopped her.

"Belarus!"

Belarus stopped and looked over her shoulder at the thoughtful man in bed.

"Do you fear It?" Toris whispered.

She paused, then turned away. "I don't await it."

Toris ceased his wailings and looked up in hope.

Belarus said slowly, "With the bleak future that comes with it, I am ashamed to say that I'm haunted by Life."  
With that, she left.

Before the Fall of the Union, Toris was afraid to bring up trivial matters to the Government. Because he was given the task to obey his Soviet Commanders, he didn't try to object much in fear of his people being harmed. So, he allowed them to suffer. It wasn't until he declared that he was through with the Government's Treatment, that actual action had been made. Though he was the first to actually secede from his captors, it took the lives of his citizens. If he were to respond that he was happy from secceding, he wouldn't object with any hesitation. But now, after witnessing the effects it had on the other States, and him specifically, he was unsure what the future would hold.

Back then under the house, he was taught to obey his commanders, and be "one of the same with the other States." He was even less obsesses on getting Belarus's attention, then he was on winning Soviet's favor. Perhaps, that was the reason why he was considered the Slavic's favorite. When the proved futile, and fear became the driving force again, he sought after Soviet's pursuer- his sister Belarus.

He had been so caught up in earning her affection, that he never noticed how much his attention went to her. Though she rejected him at all corners, he just wanted to win the Belo-Russian's approval. To be honest, the only approval that mattered was The Soviet's, but he did not let that deter him in winning the cold nation's needed her acceptance like air, like blood.

It wasn't until she had broken down from her brother's condition, that he was finally able to think of a move. When he saw her rare smiles, how her quiet laughter made his heart skip, and the small frowns from her brother's rejections, did he realize that everything was alright. He had never noticed how much he had loved her.

His eyes snapped open and he jumped up, only to immediately wince at the pain that shot through his chest.

Love?

"Toris? Are you okay?" Natalie's voice rang with concern, as she scooted closer to him, her hand already incased with supplies,

"I'm fine." He grunted, trying to wave her away with one hand as he covered the bandages around his injury with the other. "I just moved too fast, that's all."

She bit her lip. "Are you sure? I should probably check the wound, just in case."

"I'm sure Natalie, don't worry about it."

She stared at him for a moment, before sighing and mumbling something about stubbornness of guys, and he smiled.

He loved her. It wasn't so startling when he really thought about it.

Everything about her drew him in her strength, her kindness, her loyalty and Toris was fairly sure that if it wasn't for her pale skin and her eyes (not that he would ever wish them different), Natalie would have been the ideal noblewoman the perfect European.

Leaning back against the bench, Toris shook the thoughts out of his head. Her brother, his fomer caretaker, was out in an asylum, battling unseen enemies. Now was most certainly not the right time to be thinking about these things.

He wasn't sure how long they sat in silence, staring at the red sky and waiting for any sign of what was going on in the real battle. For a moment he had considered them to go out to a quiet park to mull over these stressing moments, but quickly decided against it. Leaving Ivan alone, in an asylum, locked up or not, was not a good idea. Besides, it was Ivan's battle they would just get in his way. So they just sat and waited.

"I love you."

Toris's eyes shot open and his heart skipped a beat. "W-what?"

Natalie had her arms wrapped around her knees and she buried her face in her legs. "Spirits, I love you so much." Her voice was so soft he almost thought it wasn't real.

"Natalie I",... Was she being serious?

She turned to face him, her eyes filled with tears, and he forgot how to breathe. "It's just three words, Toris. Why didn't I just tell him?"

Him.

Toris's heart dropped. "You mean Ivan?"

"Yeah " She mumbled curling her legs even closer to her and resting her head on top of her knees. "I tried to show my affection to him, but he keeps running away. Did you know that?"

Dievas, he really wished she hadn't told him that. "No".

"And it not just my brother, it's also my sister too." When she saw Toris's expression, she sighed, before opening up to him.

"My family is the most important thing I've got. Why? Because I am going to die. You saw what happened to Brother. Just fade away and leave nothing, no nation anymore, no mourning from the 'friends' I never bothered making. They're all I have, and they're all I'll be able to leave, other than history. That, and fact they're so close to me. They love me, care for me, trust me, help me, protect me. They look out for me in every way possible, and I appreciate that. I want to do the same for them, and I try so very hard to show them my love."

'That's not true!' He wanted to yell for how wrong she was. He loved her. She wasn't alone.' But he was not confused as to why he was restricting his own movements.

"When it comes to my Big Brother, Russia, I think I make that obvious. Everyone knows I love him. He's my Brother, my role model, and the one I fell in love with. But Ukraine, my Big Sister, well...Some people actually feel the need to ask if I even love her. Am I that cold? Look, it's harder to say nice things about her. I'm not entirely sure why. Perhaps it's because I'm afraid everyone will just assume that I'm automatically in love with her, too. Because it's me, Belarus, the 'incest' girl. I swear I'm going to stab the next person who calls me that."

'You do make it obvious.' Toris chuckled, if it was a way to relieve themselves of this tense atmosphere, he would take it a heartbeat.

He watched her pause, unsure of how to respond. They both knew that she had revealed more than she was comfortable of responding with, so he watched her eyes. Through the use of non-verbal conversation, he waited for her signal if he was allowed to speak. With a flick in her eyes, he took a deep breath, before speaking.

"Maybe you're afraid you'll scare her and push her away, and make her run off like Ivan always did. Perhaps it's because you've drifted apart, not literally, but mentally. You don't see other often these days. Except when you visit her, to help her. That's your excuse to see her. Maybe you ought to stop thinking that she gets in the way with Ivan's and your's relationship. With all the love you try to share. You guess she just wants to be included. But now you're so...close, and you barely see them. I suppose she must feel pushed out."

He waited for her onslaught, for her unspeakable rage, for her to brandish a knife and wave it at him- but that did not happen. Instead, her saw the blonde's resolved broke, smelling her onslaught of tears trickling down her face. He was stunned when the rims of her eyes became inflamed, and he was startled when, instead of cutting him, she rested her head on top of his shoulder.

"Maybe I'm just not a loving or lovable person, but I do care. So damn much. She's my Sister. She was like a mother to me. She's always there for me and I'll try be there for her. I wish I could be as sweet as her. I want everyone, especially her, to know something, but I struggle to say it. I care about her. Really. A lot." He wrapped arms around the blonde, giving her more access to his shoulder.

'Funny, we're in a similar situation not to long ago.' He stayed that way until her breathing slowed. Whispering words of love into her ear, he felt her shoulders develop into a more relaxed stance. When he knew it was safe, he turned her around so that she was facing him, and waited for her to keep speaking when she was ready.

"I. Love. Her. There, I said it. And if anyone, ever, hurts any member of my family, I'll cut their fucking organs out, one by one, and send them to their family, alright? I don't care what happens, I'm going to protect my family, and look out for them, too, like they do for me. I know my siblings are the older ones. I know they can look after themselves. But that won't stop me. I will prove that I love them."

This time, he was able to respond. With a chuckle, he smiled sincerely at the younger nation, feeling his heart skip a beat when she returned the smile.

"I'm confused about Big Brother. And, I'm still in healing as well- we all are."

"Are you?" Toris asked, even though he was fairly sure he didn't want to know the answer.

She was silent for a moment and a shamed look spread across her face. "No." She shook her head. "I don't think I wanted to romantically involved with him. I'm just not sure how to tell him that."

He really wished she would stop saying that, because he wasn't sure how much more pain his chest could handle at this point.

"Then why did you still try?" Dievas, why couldn't he just keep his damn mouth shut?

"I...I didn't want him to worry."

"What?"

She sighed and leaned up on the bench. "Ivan...Ivan needed to focus on his nation, and now, his battle with his mind. He has been hurt too many times before. Knowing that there are people out there who love him, when he doesn't even love himself...pulls away his focus on the fight with his mind."

"You're still worried."

Natalie smiled sadly at him, a rare expression on her face. "Am I that obvious?"

Only because I know exactly what you mean.

"A little." He replied instead.

He hadn't known why he had asked Natalie to come with him, but at the time it had slipped from his mouth before he even had a chance to think about it, he was sure he did not want to retract his statement.

If she hadn't come with him, Toris knew that he would have been wondering about her condition every second. He knew that being the youngest of the siblings, made her more vulnerable o succumb to her emotions. With poor development on her part- although he couldn't blame her, he did not wish to leave her alone. He wouldn't forgive himself if she had grown worse.

But now, he still worries about the future Would they ever heal? Will they ever repair our broken strains? Will they themselves, not their countries, ever be healed? Though he did not know the specifics of what the future would bring, he had only hope, it would be better than the situation they find themselves in now.

He glanced at the woman staring in thought before him. If she was away from him, he couldn't watch after her, he couldn't protect her. Her being with him, ensured that he knew exactly how she would react with him, and how she will fare being in his presence. Would she even accept him?

He winced at the thought.

"Toris? Are you sure you're okay? Is your chest alright?" She crawled closer to him.

No.

"Yeah. Don't worry about it Natalie." He saw in her eyes that she didn't believe him, but it wasn't the kind of pain that she could fix. It would only hurt so much more for her to try. "I promise."

She either believed him, or chalked it up to his male pride (his bet was on the latter), but either way, she sighed and crawled back away from him. A silence followed.

"Are you going to tell him, when he is better?" He hated himself for heeping the convesation going..

"I'm not sure."

"Why not?" And he hated himself for wanting her to say that she really was confused now.

"I think I think I might have pushed him too far. I hurt him already."

"Do you regret it?"

Her head snapped towards him. "What?"

"Do you regret lying to him?"

"Of course not! I did it to protect him!"

"You did it for him! Why would he be upset over that? He loves you; he fought countless battles for you, and was willing to fix himself for your family, for you. Don't you think he deserves to know the truth?"

He hated himself for what he was about to say. "Tell him, Natalie. Tell him you love him."

Her blue eyes, glazed over with fresh tears that threatened to spill, stared at him. And the next thing he knew, Natalie had her arms wrapped around him. "Thank you." Her lips brushed against his scarred heart. "Thank you Toris."

He didn't say anything in return, but despite the protest of his heart, wrapped his arms around her waist and took solace in having her with him. He closed his eyes, and didn't dare to open them and look towards the sky.

Because he knew the moment the Red Sickle permanently fades from the Russian Government, she forever would be lost to him.

END OF STORY  
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Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own. - Robert Heinlein -  
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A/N:  
Note: I'm a Toris/Natalie fan, but I do try to read some Toris/ Poland and Natalie/Other Pairings, to try to understand why people ship it. And I've found this concept a couple of times, but every time, Toris's side seems very shallow. So I decided to give this idea a try.

Since this was written as an insert and with canon couples and for Lietbel Fans,  
I chose to put this in the Lietbel do not make me regret this. For all of you who are upset because I did not mention Poland, I'm sorry,but I just couldn't fit her in without changing the whole point. This story is not about Poland and Toris; It is about Toris's point of view on Natalie and Russia's relationship together. It is about sacrifice and live.

This has to be, hands down, the hardest thing I have ever written. I never in a million years thought that I would write a Toris/Natalie fic. There are several instances where I could have very easily twisted it to make it a happy ending, but I decided against, because this story fits alongside my other story, Breaking Point, which is a Sub-Prequel to this story. In fact, this story is a sub-plot of Breaking Point's Chapter 2, where Belarus came to visit Ivan.

And even despite the couples, I do not usually write realizations or explanations of love. I have never really been in love, so I usually write stories where the couple is already together or, at the very least, aware of their feelings. That being said, Toris and Natalie are so incredibly hard to portray. I hope I captured them alright.

Please let me know if the characters sound weird, but please do not tell me Toris is OOC because of the lack of "Fear towards Ivan," or Natalie is OOC, because she is not obsessing over Ivan.

I'm going under the influence of him only mentioning the other States once when he was living with them. After the Fall of the Union, there seems to be no second thought, or mention of them. Please let me know if there is anything else about the characters that sounds odd.  
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IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO READ THE EXPLANATIONS PROVIDED FOR THIS WORK, PLEASE CONTROL F "END OF STORY"

Explanations for the Work:  
Language Dievas- Lithuanian word for "God"  
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Characters:

Toris

The eldest of the three Baltics, Lithuania controlled Middle and Eastern Europe during the Middle Ages, and was a formidable nation that once beat Prussia, until he was taken by Russia. Though he managed to get away for a time, he always wound up back under his control. After the Soviet Union fell, he fully regained his independence and went to rehabilitate with Poland. Lithuania holds a crush on Russia's younger sister though it isn't returned, for she only has eyes for her brother and harbors a love-hate relationship for the older nation.

Belarus

She is an intimidating, harsh young woman who has a deep infatuation with her older brother Russia, to the point where she wants to get married to him. However, he doesn't feel the same way, and feels disturbed by her very presence. Although in many fics she is portrayed as a harsh person, I have a head cannon that she holds back her true emotions for good reason and she tries not to show happiness. This may be because she is afraid that if something happens, she will eventually be in a dark place in her life, or, you could think of it as being not showing her emotions to a potential enemy in order to make them perceive she cannot be easily broken. The only time when she shows her emotions is when she is ready to burst out in tears, if something that is hilarious she can't hold back, or in this instance, if she has to give out advice or offer wisdom in unpleasant situations.

In regards to her feelings: Though, it appears that she respects Lithuania and even secretly, embraces the comfort he gives her, she does not retain the same feelings for Lithuania.

Russia

After the partitions of the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth, Lithuania became Russia's subordinate. It is suggested that he was Russia's "favourite" and so is often the target of Russia's bullying, or in historical revelancy, the plight of the "Russians' problems." In the modern times, Lithuania is shown as sometimes being nervous of Russia, whose approach towards him seems rather unchanged. It is often speculated that the deep scars covering his back were inflicted by Russia because he was the main target of his harsh treatment.

Soviet Union Members

The Union of Soviet Socialist Republics, (U.S.S.R.) also called Soviet Union Russian Soyuz Sovetskikh Sotsialisticheskikh Respublik or Sovetsky Soyuz, or the former northern Eurasian empire (1917/22 to 1991) , sretched from the Baltic and Black seas to the Pacific Ocean and, in its final years, consisted of 15 Soviet Socialist Republics (S.S.R. s): Armenia, Azerbaijan, Belorussia (now Belarus), Estonia, Georgia, Kazakhstan, Kirgiziya (now Kyrgyzstan), Latvia, Lithuania, Moldavia (now Moldova), Russia, Tajikistan, Turkmenistan, Ukraine, and Uzbekistan. The capital was Moscow, then and now the capital of Russia.  
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Events

1\. Victory Day -Estonia wiki/Independence_Day_(Estonia)

2 .Latvia wiki/Proclamation_Day_of_the_Republic_of_Latvia -Lithuania wiki/History_of_Lithuania Parades have been celebrated between the Baltic States, since their Independence Days.

3\. Suicide in Lithuania Suicide rates in Lithuania increased steadily after 1990, especially among young men, peaking in 1996 (Figure 1.7.3).

The high suicide rates in Lithuania have been associated with a wide range of factors including rapid socioeconomic transition, increasing psychological and social insecurity and the absence of a national suicide prevention strategy. Similarly in Hungary, societal factors including employment and socioeconomic circumstances, as well as individual demographic and clinical factors have been cited as determinants of suicide (Almasi et al., 2009).

Link: ?itemId=/content/chapter/9789264183896-10-en&_csp_=be14f43f3ab04271fcf917d221d83f55

4\. Lithuania-Belarus Relations

.lt/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/LFPR-20-Melyantsou_

5\. Lithuanian Quote

Everyone is a prisoner of his own experiences.  
No one can eliminate prejudices -  
just recognize them.  
\- Edward R. Murrow

6\. Lithuanian Troubles

A. "My population is decreasing."

According to European Union Statistics, Lithuania's Population Decline, is one of the most intense amongst the EU countries.  
.lt/lithuania/society/lithuanias-population-decrease-most-intensive-among-eu-countries.d?id=66503886

B. "I have the highest suicide rate in the world."

According to Eurostat, Lithuania has one of the highest suicide rates in their Union, and in the World.  
. /Causes_of_death_statistics

C. "The Crusaders were the first conquerors of my country, which at the time was the largest pagan European nation. Foreign occupation incited a dynamic quest for solidarity and the need for Lithuanians to embrace a culture of their own. I was first subjected to the Crusaders, then under Polish dominion in the 12th century when I was forced to accept Catholicism, and finally under the Soviets. It wasn t until 1991 when I finally gained my independence."

Lithuania has has its share of conquerors in its earliest beginnings.

Link: topics/history-and-politics-of-lithuania/history-of-Lithuania

D. "My people were forbidden to read and write in their national language, and were punished if we sought after it."

In addition to these rulers, Soviet Union, its most recent ruler, forbade them from reading and writing in their national language.

E. "From 1941-1944, up to 250,000 Jews (Litvaks),were all either killed by Nazi Germany or they emigrated. The occupation of Lithuania by Nazi Germany refers to the period from the start of the German invasion of the Soviet Union to the end of the Battle of Memel (June 22, 1941 to January 28, 1945)."

At first the Germans were welcomed as "liberators" from the repressive Soviet regime. In hopes to re-establish independence or at least gain autonomy, Lithuanians organized their Provisional Government. But soon Lithuanian attitude changed into passive resistance as the Nazis considered Lithuanians one of the inferior races and exploited them for the military and economic benefit of the Third Reich.

Link: topic/Occupation%20of%20Lithuania%20by%20Nazi%20Germany&item_type=topic

F. "Catholicism was also very important to the Lithuanian anti-communist resistance under the Soviet Union, and some Catholic priests risked their lives to become leaders in these movements."

Link: 2016/10/09/the-catholic-underground-lithuanian-catholicism-under-the-soviet-union/

G. "From 1945 to 1953, the populace was subjected to the wrath of murderous madman, Joseph Stalin. Many thousands were deported to Siberia, including women and small children and intellectuals. Many fled, seeking asylum elsewhere, and countless others were murdered in a bloody genocide campaign. Protecting culture as if it were a precious heirloom became a form of quiet resistance."

Additional Links -INTERACTIVE MAP OF BELARUSSIAN HISTORY

.by/en/#intro

HISTORY OF LITHUANIA

topics/history-and-politics-of-lithuania/history-of-lithuania

BELARUS-LITHUANIA RELATIONS

wiki/Belarus%E2%80%93Lithuania_relations -

Thank you for reading my story. I hope you have a good evening and a good weekend

~Enchanting Grace


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